Saying goodbye to Krisha

I  Love you Krisha Baby!

Krisha lost her battle to HLHS on Sunday 4^th July. As DK pointed out she was born on 07/04 and left us on the mirror image of that date - 04/07. It was very sudden. One minute she was in her Nanus arms and the next she was turning pale. I quickly started giving her CPR and called the ambulance. It all lasted only a couple of minutes before the medics took her from me. She was finally pronounced gone after almost two hours. Her surgeons rushed over as well and am sure everyone gave it their best shot to save our tiny little baby girl but God had other plans.

With Krisha in the balcony the day before

The day she passed away was also a bit different. Normally I would sleep in for a bit in the morning after feeding Krisha and hand over Kaira to mom. On that day Krisha made sure she spent time with everyone. She slept in Deepak’s arms in the early morning before I took her and went out in the balcony which she always found calming. She was in my arms and we both dozed off for a while. When I tried to put her down on the bed she wasn’t too happy so I lay down with her face down on my chest – a position she loved. Unlike most days when my mom would be looking after Kaira, I handed Krisha over to her and finally she ended up with my Dad who was carrying her. Having fed her the medication I took Kaira for her massage and put on some baby music for the girls. It was within minutes that I saw her colour change and put her down on the floor to revive her. These images keep coming over and over in my mind and it all seems surreal. The CPR count of 1..2..3…4…5 is still beating in my mind.

When I was learning infant CPR at the hospital before discharge I was thinking to myself that it was just a formality and I would not need to use it. We were aware of how critical she would be in between surgeries but since she had been home her stats looked so good that our hopes were revived. We really felt that ours would be a miracle story and she would survive this ordeal.

I am so happy that God gave us time with her before she left – to really be with her, be a complete family, for her to be with her twin sister Kaira. It is a very big loss for her to have lost her second half and I hope in some way we can make up for it, When she grows up we will be able to tell her about Krisha and what a brave and wonderful sister she had.

Seeing her at the hospital after they had shared the devastating news with us it seemed like she was just sleeping. We spent a couple of hours with her before they took her away and I still could not digest that she wasn’t there with us anymore. I talked and sang to her like I always did. Back home making funeral arrangements for the next day we decided to hold the service at a funeral home. However we had to make an appearance at the coroner’s office before we could bring Krisha back with us. While we waited for 3 hours for our turn it seemed we were not the only ones. Each family there had lost someone special in their life and were waiting to take them back with them.

The day of her burial Krisha looked one of her best ever. She looked so undisturbed and peaceful, her forehead had a calmly glow and a smile played on her lips. She looked alive. It gave me such a sense of peace that finally my baby was actually free from the pain that she had suffered in her life and maybe it was more comfortable and better for her to go this way. Knowing in my heart that we had done all that we could for her, put in our best effort to help her be with us for as long and as comfortably as possible gave me the strength to go through the toughest ordeal of our lives. Even in her passing, she gave her parents the strength and comfort to face the loss and be at peace. I know that she will be with us forever.

At the funeral we were overwhelmed by the support of all those who came. Getting her ready for her last journey from this world we made her wear a night suit, which Kaira had worn as well. She took the blessings of many people with her - a toy, milk bottle, stuff toy, holy blessed bracelets, an outfit and a comb. Her place of burial was very tranquil and green.

I could not believe that I had buried my child. Surely there is no sorrow or experience more painful than this.